BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when your person wants them in and you want to stay out. Actions include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread, the newly upholstered couch, or the dry cleaning that was just picked up.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your owners put out to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
GOOSE BUMPS: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require….. especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See below.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. Make sure that you wait patiently with the leash in mouth when your owner comes home from work.This immediately make your owner feel guilty and the walk is lengthened by a good 10 minutes.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human’s crotches.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. If there are people sitting on the couch just include them as a handy wipe.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit,” especially if your owner is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black -tie events.